I’ve noticed that parents with blogs usually post some sort of rules for raising kids or something along those lines. Sadly, they are all wrong. It’s a good thing for the rest of you that I’m here to set everyone straight. Here are my 986 rules for life.

Give lots of unsolicited advice. Clearly, my kids are total rock stars, and I’m hitting it out of the park on a daily basis; therefore, I’m an expert on how you should be running your life. You may not know this, so I’m going to help you out by just telling you how you should be doing things. Yes, you’re welcome.

Spend more money. I’m appalled by this recent trend towards thriftiness. This is America people! We don’t want the world to think we’re cheap! Seriously, do you want your kids going to school in non-designer clothing? Imagine what that’s going to do to their emotional development. Hire more household help. It’s good for the economy. Haven’t you seen Downton Abbey? Nothing says classy like a butler at your door and a maid in a starched apron. And for the love of all things holy, quit it with these coupons. If I’m handed one more coupon at the grocery store cash register, I am just going to vomit.

Raise the bar. If you’re succeeding at your life, then truly you are failing. Your bar is set far too low. Develop some unattainable expectations, such as: polished, manicured nails for your toddler, permanent ice sculpture installation in your dining room, 2% body fat, etc. If you are a frazzled, neurotic, twitching shell of a person, then you’re close, so close, to doing it right.

Model yourself after your favorite TV Show. TV producers spend a lot of time studying behavior, so they must know the best ways to live. My favorite show is Mad Men, so I’m planning to start smoking and drinking cocktails throughout the day. I’ve already placed decanters of Scotch in all the rooms of my house. Now I just need some ashtrays.  I also start my days by donning stockings, slip, heels, and a double knit dress. Once my fake eyelashes are glued on and my hair sprayed and teased into a gravity-defying bouffant, I’m ready breakfast and a highball. My daughters will thank me for the good example I’m setting.

Make sure your kids are the best at something. If your child is not excelling at an activity, immediately remove him or her from it. The only other option is to force him or her to become the best through intense practice sessions that suck out any joy that may be in it. Who wants to watch their kid standing around on the soccer field? No one. You want to see Little Suzy kicking the winning goal. Who wants to see their kid get his butt handed to him at the Karate contest, or whatever it’s called. No one. You want to see Little Billy Jackie Chan that other kid into the ground. If you have two kids who are equally adept at the same activity, simply identify which one is your least favorite and remove said child from that activity. There can only be one winner after all. And pick a good activity for crying out loud. Nobody wants to hear about how great your kid is at drawing Anime dragons or playing Badminton. Yank them out of that mess right away and put them in something you can be proud of. When your kid says, “But Mom, I like drawing Anime dragons.” You answer, “Too bad Junior. I know what’s best for you, and no one ever got anywhere in life by drawing ridiculous cartoon creatures. Now go practice your curve ball. You’ll thank me when you’re in the World Series.” And that is what good parenting sounds like.

Post more pictures online. The internet was invented for one reason and one reason only. That reason is so people could post pictures of themselves, their kids, their pets, their cars, their houses, their yards, and their vacations. If you aren’t posting at least a dozen pictures a day, then you are wasting the internet. Your kids will assume you do not love them because you have not eternally emblazoned their images in cyber space. While you’re at it, take more pictures of yourself. Go stand in front of the bathroom mirror and hold up your camera. Make sure you hold the camera at a high angle and suck your cheeks in. You’ll look great, trust me.

Well that’s the first 6 rules. You’ll get the next 980 after I get done painting Lily’s nails and forcing Avery to practice her Cantonese.

Here are some excellent examples of taking pictures of yourself. See how great we all look?

We call this a Texas Play Pen