The Day after Mother’s Day

Driving home from Target, jamming to Casting Crown’s “Praise You in this Storm,” my girls are giggling and chattering in the back seat.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

As I sing aloud for my laughing daughters, this song always makes me think of my pregnancy. When I let myself absorb the words, it’s like an icy hand gripping my heart. I think, “Why God? Why? Why did you give me these daughters?” Becoming a mother makes me feel so much more poignantly the precarious nature of life. And the fact of the matter is, I played fast and loose with my life, the lives of unborn children, and the life of my husband. When I look at Avery and Lily, I feel so painfully just how risky my pregnancy was. Then my mind goes down the check list: I’m healthy; Avery is healthy; Lily is healthy. How could it be?  It just doesn’t add up. There’s no logical explanation. Why did God work this miracle in my life?

I pull into my driveway and begin the process of getting us all in the house. I open the car door on Lily’s side to see her beaming, reaching for me, and wearing nothing but her diaper. I laugh, because I forgot that I had stripped her down in the Target parking lot. She had saturated her clothes with milk from her sippy cup. I hold Lily close and nuzzle her sweet cheeks and neck with my face. Lily loves getting kisses, and I love giving them. These are the moments that make life, the small snatches of unrestrained love.

I do not know why I received the blessing of these children. I do not know why I survived a  dangerous pregnancy with only the smallest of scars. I do not know why I have healthy twins when, in the best of situations, multiples are high risk. Thankfully, I do not have to know the answers to those questions. Thankfully, I serve a God who is with me in every storm. Thankfully, the storm has passed through my life, and for now the winds are calm.

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