We have officially entered the phase in which my toddlers resemble the village drunkards from some early Irish novel. Yes, that’s a quote from “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” Another one I like is, “You better take care of me Lord. If you don’t, you’re gonna have me on your hands.” Anyway, Avery and Lily stagger around the house, gripping walls and furniture like two revelers at the end of a very long happy hour. I know the word toddler sounds cute, but we should really call them staggerers. It’s more accurate.

The girls still crawl a lot, which gives me some relief from the fear of them bashing their little skulls, but they’ve both developed the awesome skill of putting their hands and feet flat on the floor and their butts up in the air. They stay like that for a few seconds, pondering what to do next, maybe even making a semi-circle turn with their hands as the center. Then they plop back down and carry on. When I take them in the car, I let each of them hold a toy. As I’m trying to strap them into their car seats, they clutch the toy with both hands and obstinately refuse to let me have even one arm at a time. Avery has taken a shine to carrying things in her mouth like an animal. I don’t know where she learned that, but it’s an efficient method of transport. I always have my toe nails painted. The bright color must confuse Avery. She repeatedly has tried to lick my toe nails, while Lily has developed a taste for licking the soles of my shoes, if I’m so careless as to take them off within her sight. She likewise enjoys sucking milk into her mouth, only to expel it down the front of her shirt. We never make it to the end of the day with both children fully dressed. Usually Lily is sans clothing, while Avery crawls around with Lily’s discarded Onesie in her mouth. In the evening, you will see them crawling around, spitting out half chewed Cheerios on the rug, driving their push-bikes in meandering circles while under the influence of whole milk, and jabbering incoherently with expressions on their faces as if they are imparting great wisdom to any who listen. Just like tiny inebriates, every preposterous thing they do makes total sense to them. Being cute and little sure does cover a multitude of sins.